Five Minutes With Chris Christensen

Chris Christensen with baseball artwork by R. Kenton NelsonMy Brush with the Cubs:

To my knowledge the closest I've come to a Cub is when I sat five rows behind the plate at Wrigley in a game against the Dodgers in 1985.

Who Were You?:

I was Eddie Mathews; I loved the Milwaukee Braves of the fifties when I was growing up in Marion, Iowa.

Working On:

An article on basketball. I recently started shooting hoops again after 30 years. I can shoot with either hand and this got me into trouble once in the seventies when I was showing off to a bunch of strangers who took umbrage and reacted violently. I paid for the sin of pride.

Day jobs:

I've had about 25 jobs in my life, if you include gigs in the Air Force and Peace Corps. If success is defined by quantity, my professional career has been sterling; if it's defined by professional advancement, I'm an abject failure--but a happy one.

Literary figure I'd hire to manage the Cubs:

Yossarian.

The Cub I'd most want to live in my basement:

I wouldn't want anyone to live in my basement, even a hypothetical Cub.

Most Cherished Cub Memory:

When I was about 10 years old, my dad and mom and my sisters were in the car in Cedar Rapids, when we turned a corner. On a big billboard there was an advertisement for "CUB MOVING AND STORAGE." Already in love with baseball, when I saw that word Cub, I got a thrill.

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Want more Chris?

• Read "Back, Back, Back," Donald Evans' profile of him

Five Minutes With Stuart Shea

Stuart and his wife, Cecilia Garibay, on a recent pub crawlMy brush with the Cubs:

I worked as a baseball columnist for nearly a decade and thus conducted many interviews in the locker rooms at Wrigley. It smelled worse than you can imagine.

Who were you:

That’s funny…I don’t ever remember assuming a player’s identity. Maybe I wanted to be Glenn Beckert, because I was small and scrappy and sometimes got into fights and couldn’t hit for power. What I really wanted to do was turn the double play. My playing career ended at about age 13.

Working on:

Just finished writing Pink Floyd FAQ, a book about one of the world’s weirdest and most avant-garde superstar bands. It’s coming out in May 2009. Currently I am editing Fantasy Baseball Index magazine, working on Who’s Who in Baseball 2009, and writing up some proposals for a couple more rock and roll books. I’m also a freelance editor and proofreader and I play in a rock band: The Captain Blood Orchestra.

Day jobs:

See above.

Literary figure I'd hire to manage the Cubs:

Sisyphus or Holden Caulfield.

The Cub I'd most want to live indefinitely in my basement:

Fergie Jenkins, no question.

Most cherished Cubs memories:

Maybe coming home from school at St. Jerome’s in 1970 and 1971, just a tyke, and going down to the Sheffields’ apartment (the elderly couple that owned the building we lived in), sitting on their sofa, and watching the last two or three innings of the game on WGN-TV. Also, my first game in 1971, and the 1984 division title.

Best piece of Cubs memorabilia:

During my childhood I wore out two copies of the Jack Brickhouse-narrated Great Moments in Cubs Baseball record album. The 1969 Cub Power LP is pretty special. My friend David Altman gave me a “Cub Power” button from ’69 that’s really neat.

The Cubs will win it all in 2009 because:

We all need to look foolish predicting it again.

The Cubs won't win it all in 2009 because:

They just won’t.

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Want more Stuart?

• Read "Deadball Poets Society," Randy Richardson's profile of him
• Visit his blog, "Baseball, Music, and Real Life" or Bardball.com

Five Minutes With Don De Grazia

MY BRUSH WITH A CUB:

The guy Hillmann is talking about is Moises Alou. We were with Irvine Welsh and Marty Tunny, leaving the Park West after Bill’s fight, when we saw Alou - on a side street - walking some kind of mincing little shaved teacup poodle. Irvine and Marty are Sox fans and ruthlessly opportunistic Cubs haters, so it was kind of embarrassing. The guy was so friendly and gracious, though, that even they didn't have a bad word to say about him.

WHO WERE YOU?:

I was Bruce Sutter. I couldn't throw a split-finger, but I did strike out a few fellow Little Leaguers.

WORKING ON:

Finishing upa novel called Reel Shadows, and a couple of screenplays.

DAY JOB:

Columbia College Fiction Writing Department.

LITERARY FIGURE I’D HIRE TO MANAGE THE CUBS:

Tantalus.

THE CUB I’D MOST WANT TO LIVE INDEFINITELY IN MY BASEMENT:

None of them. Christ. The off-season is for forgetting.

MOST CHERISHED CUBS MEMORY:

Bill Madlock went 4-for-4 on the last day of the season to just barely squeak by Ken Griffey, Sr. (who went 0-for-2) and win the batting title.

BEST PIECE OF CUBS MEMORABILIA:

About six months ago, I saw a Cubs hat at CVS for two dollars. I figured, what the hell, I can always use another Cubs hat. When I got home, I tried it on. It had a really tall crown and I looked like an idiot. No wonder it was two dollars, it was the dorkiest Cubs hat ever made. Later that night, a girl came over to my apartment. I pointed to the hat and said: "I got you something." She tried it on and it was ridiculously huge on her. "The minute I saw that hat," I told her, "I just knew it would look unbelievably cute on you." She went and stared in the mirror for about 30 seconds, and then turned to me with this astonished smile and said: "You're a genius. How did you know?" I just shrugged. About 10 minutes later, I found her waiting for me in bed wearing nothing but a pair of panties and the hat. "Geez," I thought, "she really likes that hat." Later, she started analyzing it all for meanings. She gazed at me through narrowed eyes. She concluded that I was: "kind of a pervert."

THE CUBS WILL WIN IT ALL IN 2009 BECAUSE:

You can't beat the odds forever.

THE CUBS WON’T WIN IT ALL IN 2009 BECAUSE:

Once they get into the playoffs, the media will bombard the players with an unavoidably disproportionate amount of attention. The whole circus--all the talk of curses and how wildly jubilant Chicago will be once the Cubs finally win the World Series, and how crushed everyone will be if they blow it--will spook the team once again. By the time the first playoff game starts, even the most hardened veteran will walk out onto the field with the rubbery legs of a newborn colt, and the Cubs will extend their post-season streak to an even dozen.

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Want more Don?

• Read "Losing From the Sidelines," Don Evans' profile of him

Five Minutes With Christine Sneed

Christine Sneed

My brush with the Cubs:

Sixth grade, with my dad, Terry Webb, who certainly fulfilled his paternal duty by taking me to Wrigley instead of some much more appreciative and Cubs-rabid friend on that day long ago.

Who were you:

Ron Cey, because I thought penguins were cute and always felt bad that he was best known for his pop-ups during crucial moments in the game.

Working on:

Lots of stories, a novel, my abs and triceps.

Day jobs:

Corrupting young, Facebook-addled minds at two Chicago universities.

Literary figure I'd hire to manage the Cubs:

Studs Terkel (RIP) – he would have been great, no?

The Cub I'd most want to live indefinitely in my basement:

Ryne Sandberg – he’s still cute (I think?) and could probably open the pickle jars when I couldn’t get past that damn vacuum seal.

Most cherished Cubs memories:

Uh….

Best piece of Cubs memorabilia:

Double uh…

The Cubs will win it all in 2009 because:

Lou Pinella has a fine team of talented players and is a smart, level-headed guy (at least he has been when I’ve heard him on AM 1000 during interviews – which, believe it or not, I’ve heard because my boyfriend makes me listen to sports radio in the car sometimes).

The Cubs won't win it all in 2009 because:

Goat sacrifices in public places are still illegal. 

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Want more Christine?

• Read "Dogged Hopefulness," Randy Richardson's profile on her

Five Minutes With Jonathan Eig

Jonathan Eig

FIVE MINUTES WITH JONATHAN EIG

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My brush with the Cubs:

I heard from a friend of a friend that Lou Piniella read my Gehrig bio.

Who (baseball player) were you (when you played as a kid):

Bobby Murcer.

Working on:

A tight deadline for my new Capone book.

Literary figure I'd hire to manage the Cubs:

Ahab, no doubt about it.

Most cherished Cubs memories:

The day after my daughter was born, I snuck out of the hospital while my wife slept and went to the ballpark to catch a few innings of the Yankees and Cubs, with Clemens trying for—and failing to get—his 300^th win. Unfortunately, I failed to make it back before my wife awoke.

Best piece of Cubs memorabilia:

I have and still wear an original “No Lights at Wrigley” T-shirt.

The Cubs will win it all in 2009 because:

They’re sort of due, don’t you think?

The Cubs won't win it all in 2009 because:

They were sort of due, 80 years ago, don’t you think?

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Want more Jonathan?

• Read "Damn Cubbies," Randy Richardson's profile of him
• Visit his Web site